Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 61 - The process of processing

I am in the process of processing a lot crap that is now coming to the surface. It's an intense experience that's difficult to face and even more challenging to discuss in a public forum such as this blog, but I'm going to do my best to explain what I'm going through without being too gratuitous.

I'm realizing I'm becoming increasingly sensitive to the world within me and the world around me. I am now feeling things with a profound acuteness-- loud noises, pollution, crowds, the pace of life in a city, the careless disregard for the planet and for the weak, the pain expressed through a stranger's eyes, and my own feelings of pain I've denied expression for so long. Ultimately, I know this is all part of the journey I'm on, but for now, I feel a little stuck, because I don't really know how to deal with all this feeling.

I am grappling to make sense of each situation and it's impossible ,because I'm simultaneously seeing, smelling and feeling a million different things at once. Could it be that I'm at the stage the Buddha was at when he said, "Life is suffering"? Because this is truly what I'm experiencing all around me and within me, despite my urge to say otherwise.

The grief felt by my student on Monday at the loss for her childhood friend, rattled through my body with such force, I thought I'd cry too. I had the same experience on Tuesday when one of my classmates at the Ayurveda Centre recounted how she felt when her newborn son died some 30 years ago. I really hurt when I see others hurting, but not in a 'I feel so helpless' sorta of way. I don't even need to hear their stories. I can feel them just by standing next to them. I could cry even. Is this compassion?

I know I'm supposed to 'protect and shield myself' from the emotions of others. But why? I am human and this is the human experience. It's not just theirs or mine, it's ours.

Sometimes this is too much for me and I start disconnecting from my body. I can't seem to organize meals or get to bed at a descent hour or even spend time with the people who love me and whom I love as well. I think that's why I enjoyed yesterday's body part yoga practice so much, because it offered a tangible way to get back in touch with my physical structure. I think I will spend more time practicing alone, using surya namaskar to ground myself.

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